Truth Is, We Can't Be Friends...
Deborah Cox had a popular song in the late 90's, We can't be Friends. Below are
a few of the lyrics that I would like to base this blog on:To just act like, we never were
To come around, and not show hurt
How dare we greet by shaking hands,
Just months ago I was your man
Verbally we agreed
It was over and we were through...
For everyone to just go on
I've tried and I can't do it
Cause I'm still torn
I've tried to think of you
As just another love in my past...
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE...
Then as if that weren't enough, Fantasia had the hit 'Truth is'... see below for an excerpt of her touching song:
And all the feelings that I thought were gone,
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself
Truth is I never got over you...
Guess I'm still in love with you...
Truth is I never should have let you go
And it's killing me cuz know I know
This blog stems from a couple of recent conversations that I had with a group of singles about being friends after a breakup. It was very interesting, because many of the guys said that they could continue the friendship after a breakup, while many of the ladies said that it really depends. I also have a couple of friends that are still close with their exes and their break-ups were caused by indiscretions of the sexual nature.
So what do I think? It depends... come on, you should have known that it was coming.
I think that no matter the way of breakup, whether it was a mutually agreed decision, you just grow apart, or a drag-down all-out fight, some ex-relationships can't just fall back into the friend zone. It pretty much goes without saying that if you broke up with me and I was totally against it, that calling you a 'friend' might be pushing it, or at least for a little while. I guess the best way for me to answer the question as to why some relationships can't end in friendship, is to use real life examples: (some are mine, others have been anonymously borrowed)
I'm still in love (or at the least hopefully attached)
Now, this one can be considered a no-brainer, but some cases aren't so cut and dry. In the case of 'he left me and broke my heart' or 'she just walked out one day', it is obvious that the jilted party can still be in love (and in some cases even bitter) and not be able to be friends with that person. But in some cases the emotions are latent. If a person doesn't do the actual hard work of purging and breaking the emotional and sometimes (uggghh) sexual soul tie, then it's only natural to still be attached to this person. This is one of my real scenarios. In college, I had a long distance relationship with a guy off and on for several years. I would tell myself that I was over him, but whenever I would see him, or even just to get a phone call from him-I was right back in the Fantasia video. What I realized is that absence does not denote deliverance-its just a lack of stimulus. I wasn't over him, I could just bandage the emotions and not deal with them-until he was looking me in my face. I had to realize that until I could look at him without the expectation of things working out or us getting back together, there was no way that we could just be friends, because I wanted more. And to answer your question, yes I'm over him now, but no we are not friends. Maybe I'm just not that strong, but there is a portion of me that will always love him and because I know he isn't my husband, I won't put myself into temptation of falling back there. Might be ugly, might not be biblical-but it's real.
We weren't friends to begin with
Many relationships skip the friendship stage, or there is some super-charged pseudo friendship that is only concocted to 'get through' as the first step into the relationship. If you never took the time to get to know the person as a friend first, then what is there to fall back on if the relationship doesn't work out? There are certain boundaries and bonds that are only built through a friendship, and if that step is skipped, then when the relationship fizzes, the only pieces left to be picked up are your separate lives. This isn't to say that relationships that aren't built on a solid foundation of friendship first don't last, but it is to say that there are certain things that you wouldn't do or say to a friend, and if you don't develop that before the emotions and butterflies begin, it will be harder to go back and develop it, now that your heart has gotten attached romantically. In order for a friendship to form out of this, then it would have to be from ground zero, after the storm- you just have to build again, but it won't be the same as if you started with that foundation.
YOU/I Cheated
Ummm...yeah, I don't know too much about this one, honestly-at least not from the 'we can still be friends' category-because every guy that cheated on me, we are not friends. It's not that I haven't forgiven them, but I don't believe that forgiveness equates a second chance, and there are certain character flaws that I don't necessarily want in friends. But, I do have several friends that are still friends with exes that cheated. Baffles me a bit, honestly-but hey to each his or her own. Maybe it depends on the circumstances. Now, a note to be made is that my cases were not marriages, so it was easier for me to pack up (emotionally) and move out, because we didn't share papers on ANYTHING. Marriage brings in a whole different element, and since I have never made it down the aisle, I will wisely not speak on that one.
Too Soon
Some relationships can fizz into friendships, but it will take time to re-program yourself from 'boo' to 'buddy'. If you try to slip right into friendship after a breakup-it might be safe to say that one or both parties hasn't had time to heal, so you are bound to hurt each other again. Do yourself a favor and take some time to reflect on the relationship, learn from their mistakes (and yours), then slowly ease back into a friendship.
All this to say: Getting over a past relationship is not optional. It's over, let it go, move on and get to what's in front of you. Choosing to pursue a friendship with an ex-that's your choice. Remember the Bible says to guard your own heart-so be open and honest with yourself and if you aren't ready to be 'buddy o'pals' , do yourself a favor and put some distance between you too, so that you can properly heal. Then if possible, open the door to a friendship-but ONLY WHEN YOU'RE READY!
Christian Relationship Help: Three
Dangerous Dating Mistakes Christians Make
Are you looking for Christian relationship help to enable you to be wise in
dating? Here are three dangerous dating mistakes Christians make that will keep
you in a bad relationship:
You believe God brought you together. If you believe that God brought you together, then it will be confusing for you when the relationship isn't working. You will justify not breaking up because you have faith that the relationship is supposed to work out. This is a huge mistake. Just because this person came into your life doesn't mean you will be together forever or that there is a divine plan for your life that includes this person. It is very possible that you inferred from circumstances that God brought you together. If God did, then it will be a healthy equally yoked relationship; if it isn't healthy, then it is a sign that it wasn't His will.
You believe you are supposed to witness. If you believe that you are supposed to witness to this person, then you will justify staying with them when the relationship isn't healthy or good. You will overlook problems in the person and focus on being a good Christian in response. This could lead you to tolerate unacceptable things and to overlook bad character traits you would otherwise run from. God doesn't require you to sacrifice your standards to be in a relationship to witness. He can bring other people into this person's life.
You believe you are supposed to endure trials. If you view your difficulties in your dating relationship as "trials," you will be inclined to apply all kinds of Christian truths to them: Endure hardship as a good Christian soldier (2 Timothy 2:3) and believe God works everything out for good (Romans 8:28). Dating isn't supposed to be a trial that you have to persevere through; it is a trial relationship with someone that is meant to be a testing ground-not for you but for the relationship. If you see red flags, they are meant to make you stop and take a second look as to whether or not you should continue the relationship.
Don't get tripped up by believing these mistruths about dating. You don't want to make these three dangerous dating mistakes Christians make. Instead, be willing to let go of a bad relationship trusting that God you will help you meet the right person that is healthy and equally yoked.
You believe God brought you together. If you believe that God brought you together, then it will be confusing for you when the relationship isn't working. You will justify not breaking up because you have faith that the relationship is supposed to work out. This is a huge mistake. Just because this person came into your life doesn't mean you will be together forever or that there is a divine plan for your life that includes this person. It is very possible that you inferred from circumstances that God brought you together. If God did, then it will be a healthy equally yoked relationship; if it isn't healthy, then it is a sign that it wasn't His will.
You believe you are supposed to witness. If you believe that you are supposed to witness to this person, then you will justify staying with them when the relationship isn't healthy or good. You will overlook problems in the person and focus on being a good Christian in response. This could lead you to tolerate unacceptable things and to overlook bad character traits you would otherwise run from. God doesn't require you to sacrifice your standards to be in a relationship to witness. He can bring other people into this person's life.
You believe you are supposed to endure trials. If you view your difficulties in your dating relationship as "trials," you will be inclined to apply all kinds of Christian truths to them: Endure hardship as a good Christian soldier (2 Timothy 2:3) and believe God works everything out for good (Romans 8:28). Dating isn't supposed to be a trial that you have to persevere through; it is a trial relationship with someone that is meant to be a testing ground-not for you but for the relationship. If you see red flags, they are meant to make you stop and take a second look as to whether or not you should continue the relationship.
Don't get tripped up by believing these mistruths about dating. You don't want to make these three dangerous dating mistakes Christians make. Instead, be willing to let go of a bad relationship trusting that God you will help you meet the right person that is healthy and equally yoked.
Abuse: Five Signs That You Are Dating
An Abusive Man
Abuse in relationships is all too common. Once you are in a
committed relationship with someone who is abusive, you will find that it is
harder to get out of it than when you are dating. This is because you begin to
experience a crisis of self-doubt and low self-esteem the longer you are in the
relationship. The best thing to do is to pay attention to signs that you are
dating an abusive man and end the relationship as soon as you figure it out.
Here are five signs that you are dating an abusive man:
1. He's possessive. He wants you to spend your time exclusively with him. He is jealous of your friends and family and discourages you from being with them. He attempts to pull you away from them by putting them down and putting a wedge between you and them. He texts you constantly and gets upset, if you don't answer right away. He always wants to know where you are and what you are doing and questions you about it.
2. He's got a master mentality. He talks a lot of submission and the roles husband and wife should have. He talks negatively about women and their abilities and characteristics. He makes statements that reflect his view that women have their "place" and that women want to rule over men. (You may have to listen to subtle cues on this, if he isn't being completely open yet with his comments.)
3. He's too serious too fast. If he loves you right away, wants to spend all his time with you right away, walks into your life and "takes care of you," he may be exhibiting controlling behavior rather than caring for you. Be careful, if you are looking for someone to fall in love with and a partner to help you with your responsibilities financially and otherwise, because you may be vulnerable with someone who walks into your life and takes over-too much.
4. He's got you walking on eggshells. If you are already noticing that you are afraid to tell him things because of his reaction, then you are already reacting to the abusive nature, even though it might be subtle at this point. If you are afraid of his reaction when you tell him no, are late, cancel plans, share an opinion, turn down an offer, don't answer his call, or argue with him, then you are already sensing the anger and control.
5. He's got you questioning yourself. If he blames you when things go wrong, shames you for making mistakes, interrogates you to get explanations, or makes you feel crazy when you disagree with him, then you are beginning to feel the common self-doubt and invalidation that is a part of abuse. Abusive men cannot take criticism and comments about their behavior. They are defensive and attacking and use techniques to turn it back on to you. You will notice yourself replaying conversations and events and wondering if you really did and said what he perceived.
When you see these five signs (and you don't have to have all of them), you are dating an abusive man. You will spare yourself a lot of trouble, if you get out before you get entrenched. God doesn't want you to be abused or controlled; he wants you to be loved and cherished.
1. He's possessive. He wants you to spend your time exclusively with him. He is jealous of your friends and family and discourages you from being with them. He attempts to pull you away from them by putting them down and putting a wedge between you and them. He texts you constantly and gets upset, if you don't answer right away. He always wants to know where you are and what you are doing and questions you about it.
2. He's got a master mentality. He talks a lot of submission and the roles husband and wife should have. He talks negatively about women and their abilities and characteristics. He makes statements that reflect his view that women have their "place" and that women want to rule over men. (You may have to listen to subtle cues on this, if he isn't being completely open yet with his comments.)
3. He's too serious too fast. If he loves you right away, wants to spend all his time with you right away, walks into your life and "takes care of you," he may be exhibiting controlling behavior rather than caring for you. Be careful, if you are looking for someone to fall in love with and a partner to help you with your responsibilities financially and otherwise, because you may be vulnerable with someone who walks into your life and takes over-too much.
4. He's got you walking on eggshells. If you are already noticing that you are afraid to tell him things because of his reaction, then you are already reacting to the abusive nature, even though it might be subtle at this point. If you are afraid of his reaction when you tell him no, are late, cancel plans, share an opinion, turn down an offer, don't answer his call, or argue with him, then you are already sensing the anger and control.
5. He's got you questioning yourself. If he blames you when things go wrong, shames you for making mistakes, interrogates you to get explanations, or makes you feel crazy when you disagree with him, then you are beginning to feel the common self-doubt and invalidation that is a part of abuse. Abusive men cannot take criticism and comments about their behavior. They are defensive and attacking and use techniques to turn it back on to you. You will notice yourself replaying conversations and events and wondering if you really did and said what he perceived.
When you see these five signs (and you don't have to have all of them), you are dating an abusive man. You will spare yourself a lot of trouble, if you get out before you get entrenched. God doesn't want you to be abused or controlled; he wants you to be loved and cherished.
Christian Dating: Be Equally Yoked in
Five Areas
With Christian dating, the one Scripture that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 6:14-15: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness: What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? " (NIV) It is clear that Christians need to be equally yoked, but not only in their faith.
Being equally yoked has to do with being compatible and like-minded. It really is common sense - You want to get along well with your partner. You want to fit together and enjoy being together. You want to be able to work together as a team, hence the reference to being equally yoked like a pair of oxen pulling the plow together. It is wise to be equally yoked in these five areas:
1. Life Goals - You want the same things in life. You envision a future that is similar. You can support each other's education and vocational goals. You agree about having or not having children. You are in agreement about where to live.
2. Values - Your values match. Values have to do with what you consider to be important and unimportant. Values also have to do with character. Do you both value hard work, financial independence, family, faith, charity, friends, exercise, a healthy lifestyle, vacations, having fun, honesty, integrity, and the relationship?
3. Beliefs - These are the things you believe in. The two biggest ones are faith and politics. Both of these involve worldviews and have a lot to do with how you see the world and will directly affect other areas of your lives. Having the same beliefs helps you to both be on the same team and it gives you things to talk about and pursue together. It forms a foundation upon which to build your life.
4. Preferences - These are personal likes and dislikes. These can be related to values but typically these have to do with daily lifestyle choices. Do you prefer to spend a lot of time alone or with people? Do you like to go to bed early or late? Do you eat healthy or unhealthy? Do you like to be active or passive? Are you wanting to travel or do you prefer to stay home? These are just some of the preferences that need to be addressed. You can blend different preferences but it is good to evaluate how you will resolve differences.
5. Interests - These are things you spend time doing and investing in. These include extracurricular activities and leisure such as church, politics, art, gardening, sports, travel, hiking, walking, beach and water play, playing games, fishing, reading, or history for example. You don't have to both like all the same things but you should have some common interests to build a life together.
No two people can be exactly alike, but it important to have enough commonality that your lives can work together without being highly conflictual or one in which you will be trying to make your partner change. If there are any concerns, you should think and talk them through carefully before getting married. Christians dating would be wise to keep in mind that being equally yoked in these six areas will please God and increase the probability that they will be pleased with their spouse and their spouse with them.
PMS- Shouldn't Stress You out
P.M. S- Does it stress you out?
When I write P.M.S., I am not talking about Pre-menstrual syndrome, but rather Premarital Sex. We live in a culture that advocates pre-marital sex today not just for single adults whether divorced or widowed but for teens as well. When I was a teenager in the 80s, the age of AIDS awareness began and many people feared pre-marital sex but often did not take the necessary precautions. We had to become a culture that needed to be smart and have safe sex through the use of condoms. Abstinence was rarely mentioned as an option. However, the advice I was given by a couple who used to keep me during my elementary school years after school, encouraged me to remain a virgin until I married. In fact, they told me to beware of guys who told me that they loved me because this was often a ploy to get one into bed. As a teen, I was extremely conscientious about remaining pure in my dating relationships and often went on couple dates. However, as I began college, I was away from home and by my sophomore year, I became serious about the young man I was dating. I had gone with this young man to his fraternity formal, it was there he told me he loved me, and the conditions were right for us to engage in sex. The formal was in a hotel, and we had a hotel room for an overnight stay. Immediately, I had a flash back to what my mentors had told me about the ploys of young men. I did not have sex with him that night, because of what my mentors had said to me in the past. I could see it clearly. It is still true today that we must be smart and wise in how we date. Teens of today need to focus on real and genuine relationships. My advice for today's teen as well as college and career young people is to get to know who you are dating. Make sure you have common interests, likes and dislikes. Focus on getting to know the other person and who they are as a person. When people engage in pre-marital sex they may bond intimately however, they may not really be right for one another because they often have not taken time to get to know the real person. Commitment is a thing of the past for many people. Often young people go from broken relationship to broken because all they focused on was the sexual intimacy and not real intimacy of being equally yoked with religion, interests and hobbies. Television programming and the movies of today glorify pre-marital sex relationships but in actuality people who go from relationship to relationship having pre-marital sex have a lot of mixed up emotions and baggage going into future relationships. It makes it difficult to recognize the person you are trying to have a soul connection and true intimacy for long term. It is easier to recognize what you want and not want when you clearly see who a person is less the pre-marital sex. It makes for easier break-ups and the relationship often stays intact much better so that people can remain friends instead of ex-lovers and dating enemies. One remains healthier emotionally not to mention physically. You do not open yourself up to potential pregnancies outside of marriage or STDs. Pre-marital sex does not have to stress your relationships if you choose to abstain and wait until you meet the right one. In "What Women Want" Mel Gibson's daughter said she knows she should wait to have sex until she loves someone. True love waits and waits until the marriage day. It also makes for a much healthier start to marriage.
P.M. S- Does it stress you out?
When I write P.M.S., I am not talking about Pre-menstrual syndrome, but rather Premarital Sex. We live in a culture that advocates pre-marital sex today not just for single adults whether divorced or widowed but for teens as well. When I was a teenager in the 80s, the age of AIDS awareness began and many people feared pre-marital sex but often did not take the necessary precautions. We had to become a culture that needed to be smart and have safe sex through the use of condoms. Abstinence was rarely mentioned as an option. However, the advice I was given by a couple who used to keep me during my elementary school years after school, encouraged me to remain a virgin until I married. In fact, they told me to beware of guys who told me that they loved me because this was often a ploy to get one into bed. As a teen, I was extremely conscientious about remaining pure in my dating relationships and often went on couple dates. However, as I began college, I was away from home and by my sophomore year, I became serious about the young man I was dating. I had gone with this young man to his fraternity formal, it was there he told me he loved me, and the conditions were right for us to engage in sex. The formal was in a hotel, and we had a hotel room for an overnight stay. Immediately, I had a flash back to what my mentors had told me about the ploys of young men. I did not have sex with him that night, because of what my mentors had said to me in the past. I could see it clearly. It is still true today that we must be smart and wise in how we date. Teens of today need to focus on real and genuine relationships. My advice for today's teen as well as college and career young people is to get to know who you are dating. Make sure you have common interests, likes and dislikes. Focus on getting to know the other person and who they are as a person. When people engage in pre-marital sex they may bond intimately however, they may not really be right for one another because they often have not taken time to get to know the real person. Commitment is a thing of the past for many people. Often young people go from broken relationship to broken because all they focused on was the sexual intimacy and not real intimacy of being equally yoked with religion, interests and hobbies. Television programming and the movies of today glorify pre-marital sex relationships but in actuality people who go from relationship to relationship having pre-marital sex have a lot of mixed up emotions and baggage going into future relationships. It makes it difficult to recognize the person you are trying to have a soul connection and true intimacy for long term. It is easier to recognize what you want and not want when you clearly see who a person is less the pre-marital sex. It makes for easier break-ups and the relationship often stays intact much better so that people can remain friends instead of ex-lovers and dating enemies. One remains healthier emotionally not to mention physically. You do not open yourself up to potential pregnancies outside of marriage or STDs. Pre-marital sex does not have to stress your relationships if you choose to abstain and wait until you meet the right one. In "What Women Want" Mel Gibson's daughter said she knows she should wait to have sex until she loves someone. True love waits and waits until the marriage day. It also makes for a much healthier start to marriage.
Sex and Purity in the Beginning
Sexual sin is much like a venomous spider catching a fly. The spider
builds an attractive web in an opportune place. The unwary fly comes along and
almost by accident is caught up. The spider attacks and solidly wraps the fly
tying him in an inescapable casing. At his leisure, the spider will eat the
fly. Safe strategy for the fly, of course, would be to veer away from the web
in the first place.
"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh," said Adam.
"For this reason a man shall leave father and mother and be one with his wife." said God. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve experienced bliss with no sin. They walked naked together and enjoyed union with God until the day they rebelled, disobeyed, and sinned. God designed man and woman to unite in a wonderful bond as husband and wife. God designed them to reflect his love, to live in physical love with each other, and to create children to continue the human race.
"Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy."
"Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: 'Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy'" (Lev 19:1-2 NIV) the Lord said to Moses. On Mount Horeb, God gave Moses the Ten Commandments. The commands included sexual protection, "You shall not commit adultery" and "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife" (Exodus 20 NIV). God gave the commandments for the well being of mankind.
Joseph was one man who showed he could overcome temptation and obey the commandments. Joseph was a servant of God who resisted strong seduction from his boss's, Potipher's, wife. In Egypt, the feminine dress was frequently transparent fabric. No easy temptation. Although he refused her advances, her false accusations cost him fourteen years in prison.
"No one is greater in this house than I am.
"My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house (Gen 39: 9-12 NIV).
Joseph proved a man could stand and be free before his God and not be forced to become a slave to sin to another's seduction. For this he paid a heavy price of fourteen years in prison. But God rewarded Joseph for his faithfulness. God gave him a spiritual gift of dreams through which Pharaoh assigned Joseph to become Prime Minister of Egypt. Joseph, as a result, saved the country from famine and his own relations from starvation.
"This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh," said Adam.
"For this reason a man shall leave father and mother and be one with his wife." said God. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve experienced bliss with no sin. They walked naked together and enjoyed union with God until the day they rebelled, disobeyed, and sinned. God designed man and woman to unite in a wonderful bond as husband and wife. God designed them to reflect his love, to live in physical love with each other, and to create children to continue the human race.
"Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy."
"Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: 'Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy'" (Lev 19:1-2 NIV) the Lord said to Moses. On Mount Horeb, God gave Moses the Ten Commandments. The commands included sexual protection, "You shall not commit adultery" and "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife" (Exodus 20 NIV). God gave the commandments for the well being of mankind.
Joseph was one man who showed he could overcome temptation and obey the commandments. Joseph was a servant of God who resisted strong seduction from his boss's, Potipher's, wife. In Egypt, the feminine dress was frequently transparent fabric. No easy temptation. Although he refused her advances, her false accusations cost him fourteen years in prison.
"No one is greater in this house than I am.
"My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house (Gen 39: 9-12 NIV).
Joseph proved a man could stand and be free before his God and not be forced to become a slave to sin to another's seduction. For this he paid a heavy price of fourteen years in prison. But God rewarded Joseph for his faithfulness. God gave him a spiritual gift of dreams through which Pharaoh assigned Joseph to become Prime Minister of Egypt. Joseph, as a result, saved the country from famine and his own relations from starvation.
How to Know If You Have Met the Right
Christian Person For Marriage
Statistics now show that 60 percent of marriages fail. Why do you think that is? It is because we are not marrying suitable people. If a person exploits you and disrespects you during the courtship / dating period, what makes you think anything is going to change after marrying them?
During the "getting to know one another" stage of the relationship do they care more about what they can receive from you than getting to know you? Do they care more about what you have, how you look, or what you do for a living than the person within? These things are all very superficial and do not matter for having a loving and stable marriage.
Building A Firm Marriage Foundation Before Getting Married
If your relationship starts out as a sexual relationship but never develops into anything else and you marry them, what will the relationship be based on? Lust and desire are not emotions that we should base our marriage on. Having sex with someone before getting married does not guarantee marital success. But getting to know someone's character and seeing they have moral convictions about marriage purity does!
Marrying someone with lots of money and stuff will not guarantee marriage happiness, but marrying someone because you both live comparable lifestyles in Jesus Christ does! Marrying someone because they are good-looking does not guarantee happiness ever after, but marrying people who are committed to staying married, no matter what, does!
The bottom line is we need to marry people who share our same beliefs in Jesus Christ. Just because two people "say" they are Christians does not mean they are compatible people. One person's faith and beliefs may be VERY different than another person's faith and beliefs. Know who you are marrying!
The root of the problem for failing marriages is that they do not start off right to begin with. Without a firm foundation to support the marriage on, it cannot survive, hence divorce, or at the very least, an unhappy marriage. We need to start off our relationships on something tangible and true! God and His principles are something we can hang onto when times are tough in our marriage, but feelings of lust and desire diminish with time and will not be around to help us when we are having marriage difficulties.
Why are we so superficial in our relationships? Why are we jumping into marriage with such fairytale images of happiness ever after? I think it is because we have not been taught how to find suitable marriage spouses from our parents and because we aren't waiting on God. We seriously need to pray about our friendships with the opposite sex and never take our focus off of the reason we are able to even love another properly in the first place. If Christ had not sacrificed his life for ours how would we have learned what real love and forgiveness is all about?
Jesus Christ living in us gives us the fruits to discern the difference between someone who is only using us and thinks they want to spend the rest of their life with us, and the person who we should actually marry. Look for the fruits in others. Fruits do not come from outside appearances, nobility, status, money, power, etc. But fruits of the Spirit come from within a person. These are what we need to look for in a potential marriage spouse. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance, against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Statistics now show that 60 percent of marriages fail. Why do you think that is? It is because we are not marrying suitable people. If a person exploits you and disrespects you during the courtship / dating period, what makes you think anything is going to change after marrying them?
During the "getting to know one another" stage of the relationship do they care more about what they can receive from you than getting to know you? Do they care more about what you have, how you look, or what you do for a living than the person within? These things are all very superficial and do not matter for having a loving and stable marriage.
Building A Firm Marriage Foundation Before Getting Married
If your relationship starts out as a sexual relationship but never develops into anything else and you marry them, what will the relationship be based on? Lust and desire are not emotions that we should base our marriage on. Having sex with someone before getting married does not guarantee marital success. But getting to know someone's character and seeing they have moral convictions about marriage purity does!
Marrying someone with lots of money and stuff will not guarantee marriage happiness, but marrying someone because you both live comparable lifestyles in Jesus Christ does! Marrying someone because they are good-looking does not guarantee happiness ever after, but marrying people who are committed to staying married, no matter what, does!
The bottom line is we need to marry people who share our same beliefs in Jesus Christ. Just because two people "say" they are Christians does not mean they are compatible people. One person's faith and beliefs may be VERY different than another person's faith and beliefs. Know who you are marrying!
The root of the problem for failing marriages is that they do not start off right to begin with. Without a firm foundation to support the marriage on, it cannot survive, hence divorce, or at the very least, an unhappy marriage. We need to start off our relationships on something tangible and true! God and His principles are something we can hang onto when times are tough in our marriage, but feelings of lust and desire diminish with time and will not be around to help us when we are having marriage difficulties.
Why are we so superficial in our relationships? Why are we jumping into marriage with such fairytale images of happiness ever after? I think it is because we have not been taught how to find suitable marriage spouses from our parents and because we aren't waiting on God. We seriously need to pray about our friendships with the opposite sex and never take our focus off of the reason we are able to even love another properly in the first place. If Christ had not sacrificed his life for ours how would we have learned what real love and forgiveness is all about?
Jesus Christ living in us gives us the fruits to discern the difference between someone who is only using us and thinks they want to spend the rest of their life with us, and the person who we should actually marry. Look for the fruits in others. Fruits do not come from outside appearances, nobility, status, money, power, etc. But fruits of the Spirit come from within a person. These are what we need to look for in a potential marriage spouse. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance, against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Why Most Young People Today Are Not
Prepared For Marriage
This article speaks in generalities and what I have experienced in the young people I personally know today. I am not putting all 20-somethings into this category. You be the judge and decide for yourself if you are prepared for a lifetime marriage or not.
This article speaks in generalities and what I have experienced in the young people I personally know today. I am not putting all 20-somethings into this category. You be the judge and decide for yourself if you are prepared for a lifetime marriage or not.
Most young people are not prepared for marriage because they have never been taught the wife/husband and the woman/man roles for marriage. Most women walk into marriage with the attitude of how her husband can make her happy 24/7 and both of them walk into the marriage with feelings of desire and lust. This is not to say they do not love one another, but it is to say which are you basing the marriage on, love or feelings.
Many times, because the husband does not truly know what his role is in the marriage, the wife in her disappointment becomes bossy and critical of her husband, but she does not know what his role is either, or hers for that matter. Then because of the lack of positive attention from his wife, the husband becomes bored and thinks he is not in love anymore.
Of course if you're going to have a marriage just like everyone else that will have a 50 to 60 percent chance rate of failure, then I suppose it does not matter if you have not been taught how to treat the opposite sex and love the person you marry. But if we want a godly marriage based on God's principles then we DO NEED to know a little bit about what is expected of us so we can honor God with our marriage, not turn it into a shambles.
A couple should never walk into marriage thinking that the marriage is for their happiness and enjoyment, or think that our spouses are supposed to fulfill our every nonsensical whim and make us happy 24/7. That would be a fairytale marriage and there is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. The closest you will get to a fairytale marriage is if you manage your marriage under God's relationship principles. Love must be without dissimulation.
Have you ever noticed how the fairytale books always say in the end "and they lived happily ever after"? But this is VERY misleading and presumptuous, would you say? It's just like telling small children about the existence of santa clause and the tooth fairy. It is ridiculous to have your daughter grow up believing that she will be whisked up by prince charming and the marriage will be happily ever after. It's a delusion.
Let me show you the difference between the fairytale marriage and the Godly Marriage. Now remember, fairytale marriages don't last because reality sets in and couples cannot handle the stress put upon what they presumed would be happily ever after.
Godly Marriage
* Godly marriages believe that happiness comes from within our spirit because of our relationship with God, and that marriage is made for honoring Godits creator!
* Godly marriage is based upon God's principles of love, serving one another in love, which ultimately honors God.
*Godly marriage is built upon commitment until death do you part rather than the "I'm not in love with you anymore" part.
Fairytale Marriage
* Fairytale marriages believe that happiness comes from each other, which makes marriage even more selfish.
* Fairytale marriages believe that love is a feeling, which causes people to think they are not in love anymore.
* Fairytale marriage never last because the fairytale eventually ends.
*Fairytale marriage are based on feelings rather than commitment
Is She Marriage Material? Essential
Qualities of a Christian Wife
Usually when we refer to Godly qualities in women we quote from Proverbs 31. Now Proverbs 31 does have a lot to say on how a Godly woman should manage her household, but many people misconstrue Proverbs 31 to mean a wife having a career outside the home, but nothing could be further from the truth.
The Proverbs 31 woman does not work for anyone but her husband and family--she is not an employee. She does all of her tasks for the wellbeing of her family. She stays joyously busy working for her own family buying with prudence and selling things she makes with her hands, gardening, cooking, etc. Most importantly, the Proverbs 31 woman respects her husband and he is admired as a man of God. She knows her role in the marriage and lovingly submits her life to the man she married.
When we read about the ideal woman and wife in Proverbs we see she has many accomplishments. But I believe that we are only looking at all of the things the Proverbs 31 woman does and not see how she isher demeanor and inner qualities that make her the ideal wife to her husband. Many women can sew, garden, and work with their hands and still treat their husbands badly or not know what it means to be submissive to their husbands.
When we really study Proverbs 31 we see that the ideal woman has many excellent god-given character traits, such as kindness, compassion, respect, nurturing, trustworthy, discerning, wise, not idle, giving and most importantly she feareth the Lord. She is all of these things for her family first and foremost. Her accomplishments are because of her inner qualities of Christ within her--fruit of the Spirit.
The inner qualities of the ideal woman are something that develops within her over time because she loves God and is faithful to Him in her daily walk and relationship with God. As a Christian woman and wife I will speak for myself and tell you that I still sometimes wrangle with trying to be the woman/wife that God wants me to be. But as a daughter of the Most High I will strive daily to improve my life in Him and I will continue to walk in His ways and learn to be the wife that God wants me to be.
If a young lady respects and obeys her mother and father, she will most likely be the same with her own husband because it is a quality that she has learned through childhood and her love for God. On the other hand, if a young woman is/was rebellious with her parent's rules and regulations for her she may have a more difficult time regarding her husband's protection for her.
Many Christian women who marry today have this preconceived attitude that she should have a career and can do everything and anything a man can do. She is free to choose to go to war, go to college, have a career, and put her children in daycare if she wants, but this is not why God made Eve for. Why did God make Eve?
God created Eve to be a helpmeet to her husband, meaning, helping her husband to encourage the family in every way in the Lord, according to his role given to Him by God as head of the family. When a woman rebels against her God-given role she is debasing her husband's role as head over her and devaluing and disrespecting the position that was meant for him and for herself.
This is not how God intended marriage to be. These issues are very important for marriage preparation and something that single Christian men and women need to discuss BEFORE getting married.
We have to be careful when we look for inner qualities in a wife and that we do not only look at what she does and what she has accomplished but how she is in her demeanor and attitude of being a daughter of God and a wife and mother somedaythis is what's important and is what most young men overlook in a future wife.
We tend to look at accomplishments, talents and outside beauty and not "see" the real woman inside. It is because of the Holy Spirit within her that she is able to "know" her role as wife and mother even before she is married and when she is married to accomplish the purpose that God predetermined for her in her marriage.
It is not good that the man should be alone; I shall make him an HELP MEET for him. (KJV Genesis 2:25)
Usually when we refer to Godly qualities in women we quote from Proverbs 31. Now Proverbs 31 does have a lot to say on how a Godly woman should manage her household, but many people misconstrue Proverbs 31 to mean a wife having a career outside the home, but nothing could be further from the truth.
The Proverbs 31 woman does not work for anyone but her husband and family--she is not an employee. She does all of her tasks for the wellbeing of her family. She stays joyously busy working for her own family buying with prudence and selling things she makes with her hands, gardening, cooking, etc. Most importantly, the Proverbs 31 woman respects her husband and he is admired as a man of God. She knows her role in the marriage and lovingly submits her life to the man she married.
When we read about the ideal woman and wife in Proverbs we see she has many accomplishments. But I believe that we are only looking at all of the things the Proverbs 31 woman does and not see how she isher demeanor and inner qualities that make her the ideal wife to her husband. Many women can sew, garden, and work with their hands and still treat their husbands badly or not know what it means to be submissive to their husbands.
When we really study Proverbs 31 we see that the ideal woman has many excellent god-given character traits, such as kindness, compassion, respect, nurturing, trustworthy, discerning, wise, not idle, giving and most importantly she feareth the Lord. She is all of these things for her family first and foremost. Her accomplishments are because of her inner qualities of Christ within her--fruit of the Spirit.
The inner qualities of the ideal woman are something that develops within her over time because she loves God and is faithful to Him in her daily walk and relationship with God. As a Christian woman and wife I will speak for myself and tell you that I still sometimes wrangle with trying to be the woman/wife that God wants me to be. But as a daughter of the Most High I will strive daily to improve my life in Him and I will continue to walk in His ways and learn to be the wife that God wants me to be.
If a young lady respects and obeys her mother and father, she will most likely be the same with her own husband because it is a quality that she has learned through childhood and her love for God. On the other hand, if a young woman is/was rebellious with her parent's rules and regulations for her she may have a more difficult time regarding her husband's protection for her.
Many Christian women who marry today have this preconceived attitude that she should have a career and can do everything and anything a man can do. She is free to choose to go to war, go to college, have a career, and put her children in daycare if she wants, but this is not why God made Eve for. Why did God make Eve?
God created Eve to be a helpmeet to her husband, meaning, helping her husband to encourage the family in every way in the Lord, according to his role given to Him by God as head of the family. When a woman rebels against her God-given role she is debasing her husband's role as head over her and devaluing and disrespecting the position that was meant for him and for herself.
This is not how God intended marriage to be. These issues are very important for marriage preparation and something that single Christian men and women need to discuss BEFORE getting married.
We have to be careful when we look for inner qualities in a wife and that we do not only look at what she does and what she has accomplished but how she is in her demeanor and attitude of being a daughter of God and a wife and mother somedaythis is what's important and is what most young men overlook in a future wife.
We tend to look at accomplishments, talents and outside beauty and not "see" the real woman inside. It is because of the Holy Spirit within her that she is able to "know" her role as wife and mother even before she is married and when she is married to accomplish the purpose that God predetermined for her in her marriage.
It is not good that the man should be alone; I shall make him an HELP MEET for him. (KJV Genesis 2:25)
Maintaining Clear Boundaries
You know the story.
Girl meets guy. Guy woos girl....says stuff like, "You're just so beautiful," and "I can't believe how wonderful you are," and "Other guys were fools not to see how much you ____," and so on.
Guy is not exactly the ideal of godliness, and he may even have some habits and behavioral tendencies that would make even the weakest believer cringe, but girl does not care.
She knows in her heart that guy is not really all that bad, and more than that, because she's strong in faith, they will work as a couple with her taking the spiritual lead.
She knows better than to end up in bed with him - that commandment is as clear as day in her mind. There's no way she'd break that rule.
Yeah right.
And so the story goes. First she lets him kiss her, then she finds herself making out on the couch, and the next thing she knows, she's dealing with a whole load of shame, if not an unplanned pregnancy.
No, I'm not cynical. Yet I do see an increasing number of women pass through our labor & delivery unit without a wedding band, and many claim to be professing Christians. So how do they end up there, when the Scripture is so explicitly clear on the matter?
Paul gives us a direct admonition regarding the life of faith in I Corinthians 10:12 - "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall." (NKJV) This Scripture reflects the classic warning in Proverbs: "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18 NKJV).The first reason why a woman, or anyone for that matter, falls into a pattern of sin, has to do with her self-perception. She ignores the warnings about dating someone weak in the faith (or not at all in the faith) and says to herself, I am an exception - I will be able to resist sin.
My sisters, the Bible speaks very clearly to this condition: "Do not be unequally yoked," (II Corinthians 6:14 NKJV) which in plain English means Do Not Be Unequally Yoked!
The moment we think that we can resist sin by our own willpower or holiness, we fall into a trap laid quite ingeniously for us by the enemy. Galatians 6:1 warns, "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (NKJV, emphasis mine) We cannot afford to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think (Romans 12:3) - such pride stands in the way of God's help. Over and over the Bible states that God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble (Proverbs 3:34). We cannot afford to think that we will not fall when placed into the same situation - Jesus warns in Matthew 7:1-2 that the very thing we judge in another will be judged in our own life.
A sober, humble view of ourselves is the first way to resist sin in this area. Even if I have guarded my heart for years and refused to date anyone who might drag me down spiritually, if I believe for one second that I can make an exception just once and that I will not fall away, I place myself directly into that trap. Over and over I have seen different friends make that fateful decision despite warnings from all the believers around them, and over and over again they fall - every single time.
God has placed His body around us for our protection and to spur us on in the faith. Allow the believers around you to speak into your life. On our own, we may easily slip up, but with the admonitions of those around us (as long as we actually listen) we may steady our feet on the path of righteousness.
Secondly, we must resist the temptation to believe that the world has anything to offer us that would excel the glory of following Christ. Many women who make the choice to date someone outside the faith mistakenly believe that God is withholding from them - that they are missing something wonderful that their heart longs to experience. Surely God would not withhold a relationship from them, especially if it makes them happy!
James 4:1-10 addresses the issue of following after worldly desires:
Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. (James 4:1-10 The Message)
When we "flirt with the world" we risk that intimate friendship with God that brings righteousness and life. We have heard that God can satisfy our longings: "For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness" (Psalm 107:9 NKJV). Desiring to seek that satisfaction through the ways of the world only brings hurt and destruction!
Remember Abraham, who waited over 25 years for the fulfillment of the promise - when he tried to make it happen on his own, he created a whole mess that carries on in the Middle East even into the present day. God still fulfilled His promise to Abraham, however, and will fulfill every promise to us today (I Corinthians 1:20). If we hold onto those promises He has made, and resist the passions of the world, we will experience the joy of peaceful obedience to the One who satisfies the soul.
Sisters, I know that many of you long for the love of a man. God knows that deep desire of your heart, and even put that there Himself. He knows the very person that is created to match you perfectly. In His own time, God will bring you together.
God desires that you and I will come to Him and seek Him to fulfill the desires of our hearts! He joyfully longs to bless those who ask Him: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:7-11 NKJV)
While you wait for His answer, though, you must make boundaries clear in your life. Seek that humility that God draws close to, and throw away every desire for the world. Only then can you make decisions with a pure conscience.
One of the greatest gifts you can ever receive is learning from your mistakes and this itself is a leadership quality that is acquired by experience. May we honour God in all that we do!
Girl meets guy. Guy woos girl....says stuff like, "You're just so beautiful," and "I can't believe how wonderful you are," and "Other guys were fools not to see how much you ____," and so on.
Guy is not exactly the ideal of godliness, and he may even have some habits and behavioral tendencies that would make even the weakest believer cringe, but girl does not care.
She knows in her heart that guy is not really all that bad, and more than that, because she's strong in faith, they will work as a couple with her taking the spiritual lead.
She knows better than to end up in bed with him - that commandment is as clear as day in her mind. There's no way she'd break that rule.
Yeah right.
And so the story goes. First she lets him kiss her, then she finds herself making out on the couch, and the next thing she knows, she's dealing with a whole load of shame, if not an unplanned pregnancy.
No, I'm not cynical. Yet I do see an increasing number of women pass through our labor & delivery unit without a wedding band, and many claim to be professing Christians. So how do they end up there, when the Scripture is so explicitly clear on the matter?
Paul gives us a direct admonition regarding the life of faith in I Corinthians 10:12 - "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall." (NKJV) This Scripture reflects the classic warning in Proverbs: "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18 NKJV).The first reason why a woman, or anyone for that matter, falls into a pattern of sin, has to do with her self-perception. She ignores the warnings about dating someone weak in the faith (or not at all in the faith) and says to herself, I am an exception - I will be able to resist sin.
My sisters, the Bible speaks very clearly to this condition: "Do not be unequally yoked," (II Corinthians 6:14 NKJV) which in plain English means Do Not Be Unequally Yoked!
The moment we think that we can resist sin by our own willpower or holiness, we fall into a trap laid quite ingeniously for us by the enemy. Galatians 6:1 warns, "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (NKJV, emphasis mine) We cannot afford to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think (Romans 12:3) - such pride stands in the way of God's help. Over and over the Bible states that God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble (Proverbs 3:34). We cannot afford to think that we will not fall when placed into the same situation - Jesus warns in Matthew 7:1-2 that the very thing we judge in another will be judged in our own life.
A sober, humble view of ourselves is the first way to resist sin in this area. Even if I have guarded my heart for years and refused to date anyone who might drag me down spiritually, if I believe for one second that I can make an exception just once and that I will not fall away, I place myself directly into that trap. Over and over I have seen different friends make that fateful decision despite warnings from all the believers around them, and over and over again they fall - every single time.
God has placed His body around us for our protection and to spur us on in the faith. Allow the believers around you to speak into your life. On our own, we may easily slip up, but with the admonitions of those around us (as long as we actually listen) we may steady our feet on the path of righteousness.
Secondly, we must resist the temptation to believe that the world has anything to offer us that would excel the glory of following Christ. Many women who make the choice to date someone outside the faith mistakenly believe that God is withholding from them - that they are missing something wonderful that their heart longs to experience. Surely God would not withhold a relationship from them, especially if it makes them happy!
James 4:1-10 addresses the issue of following after worldly desires:
Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. (James 4:1-10 The Message)
When we "flirt with the world" we risk that intimate friendship with God that brings righteousness and life. We have heard that God can satisfy our longings: "For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness" (Psalm 107:9 NKJV). Desiring to seek that satisfaction through the ways of the world only brings hurt and destruction!
Remember Abraham, who waited over 25 years for the fulfillment of the promise - when he tried to make it happen on his own, he created a whole mess that carries on in the Middle East even into the present day. God still fulfilled His promise to Abraham, however, and will fulfill every promise to us today (I Corinthians 1:20). If we hold onto those promises He has made, and resist the passions of the world, we will experience the joy of peaceful obedience to the One who satisfies the soul.
Sisters, I know that many of you long for the love of a man. God knows that deep desire of your heart, and even put that there Himself. He knows the very person that is created to match you perfectly. In His own time, God will bring you together.
God desires that you and I will come to Him and seek Him to fulfill the desires of our hearts! He joyfully longs to bless those who ask Him: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:7-11 NKJV)
While you wait for His answer, though, you must make boundaries clear in your life. Seek that humility that God draws close to, and throw away every desire for the world. Only then can you make decisions with a pure conscience.
One of the greatest gifts you can ever receive is learning from your mistakes and this itself is a leadership quality that is acquired by experience. May we honour God in all that we do!
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